Suppression
by Chinesemoon
Summary: In the deepest recess of his heart, he knew he was suppressing something terrible and great. Nothing could change his mind, or could it? Lupin/Tonks
1. Chapter 1

Suppression

By Chinesemoon

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, it all belongs to my supreme master, J.K. Rowling.

~*~*~

"Tonks, we can't."

The words echoed in the empty room. It wasn't the first time they were said, and maybe not the last, but each time, respectively, they came like a sudden, cruel slap to the face of Nymphadora Tonks. She wouldn't cry – she never did. That wasn't her personality. Oh, sure, sometime she yelled, sometimes she argued. Sometimes she even withdrew inside herself and locked away any shred of optimism and hope in her soul. If she still had a soul… she wasn't so sure anymore.

"Why." It wasn't a question; it was a statement, made not out of curiosity, but more of a bitter half-acceptance. "Why, Remus?"

"Don't call me Remus anymore," Lupin avoided her eyes. He looked about him, searching for any object to lay his eyes upon, any distraction. He stared at the dirty drapes framing the tall windows. The sun was setting, and there were no candles burning, no light in the room except the faint forgotten rays of sunshine, and even those were disappearing.

"I fancy I'll call you whatever I like," she said, her voice becoming bitter. She was going to get angry; she was going to get hostile. She didn't mean to have this reaction, but lately, anger seemed to be preferable to depression.

"Look, Tonks," Lupin began, still staring out the window. Even though the sun had not completely set yet, he spied a creasant moon high in the sky. "We've been through this many, many times… why must I always repeat myself? It just doesn't make sense…"

"Yes, right," Tonks stammered. Each word came out choppy. "Let's see, Remus. You are too old, you are too wise, you are too severe, you are too dangerous, and you are too insufferable."

Lupin sighed. He ran a careless hand through his hair several times. Still, he did not look Tonks in the eye. He was scared to look at her. He was scared of what he would see in her face, scared of heartbreak, scared of anger, scared of confusion... he was even scared of seeing lust or passion in her face. He raked a shaky hand through his hair again and sighed another deep sigh.

"Oh, stop sighing, for Merlin's sake!" Tonks burst out. She shoved a chair forcefully to one side of her. A pile of parchment which had been balancing precariously on top of the seat of the chair fell into a pile on the floor. She huffed and stooped to pick them up, muttering under her breath.

Lupin looked at her kneeling on the floor. He couldn't help it… his eyes had mistakenly wondered in her extremely livid direction. Ever so faint a smile graced his lips as Tonks uttered several unrepeatable swear words under her breath. She grabbed for some of the parchment, but it escaped her grasp. He knelt down and handed her the piece of parchment. She took it slowly from his hand, brushing her fingers against his. Finally, he met her eyes. They held each other's gaze momentarily, before he looked away.

He straightened himself out and stood up. He took a step back, but she grabbed the front of his robe and tugged him closer. He wanted to push her away, but something always made him hesitate at such moments as these when he heart began to open just ever so slightly.

"Remus," she said in a quiet, calm voice. "Tell me you don't love me." She stepped closer to him and looked up into his face, her eyes bright and searching.

Lupin felt as though a tremendous pressure was weighing on his chest. He could hardly breathe. His lips felt dry, but he dare not lick them. The air was still, the room was silent, and Tonks seemed to be inching closer to him. He met her eyes, but his gaze had become foggy. He couldn't see her clearly, he could just make out the outline of a white and hazy orb, looming over him. Images seemed to be racing through his mind – broken wooden planks, painful red gashes, scars, night, the moon, an image of sharp white teeth sinking down on human flesh.

He pushed her away, somewhat more violently than he intended. She stumbled backwards, surprised. Pain seared in his head, his eyes were clouded with misery.

"I don't love you, Tonks," he whispered. He turned on his heel and left the room. The door banged closed behind him.

The room was silent again.

A/N: more?


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

A/N: I'd just like to say that I know it seems like this process moves slowly with Remus/Tonks, but let me ask you – what fun would it be to give you it all in two chapters? ;) FYI, this is set in Ootp.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. _Obviously._

~*~*~

It was fairly dark in the kitchen of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. When Lupin had entered the room, his wand glowing, he grabbed a handful of candles from the mantelpiece and threw them up into the air. The candles hang suspended in mid-air and crackled alight. Lupin seated himself at the heavy oak temple. He drummed his fingers on the smooth surface of the table. _See Molly's been polishing again,_ he thought. He felt ill, as he so often did these days. He'd been avoiding Tonks for more than a month, ever since she admitted she had feelings for him.

He'd had his suspicions for two months or more. Merlin, he wasn't born yesterday. A large part of him was terribly flattered that this young, intelligent, beautiful woman was attracted to _him._ She could have any man she wanted – they were all chasing her with their eyes, their hands, their words. What did he have? Scars, years, and a few fumbling sentences? He knew he was a poor match for Tonks. The other part of him – the larger, more significant part – was scared to death of her and her feels for him. He grew more attracted to everyday, and every night he cursed himself mentally, scolding himself for falling into such an audacious trap. He couldn't have her, God damnit, obviously he couldn't have her. The sooner he – and she – accepted it, the better it would be, the less painful it would come. He had enough pain already.

"Deep in thought, Moony?"

Lupin didn't look up at Sirius. He didn't feel like listening to whatever cod-waddle he knew his friend was about to deliver.

"Shouldn't you be pacing aimlessly right now?" Lupin replied tonelessly.

"Eh, maybe, maybe," Sirius grinned to himself. "Always was a pacer, wasn't I?"

Lupin finally met his friend's gaze. Sirius's shirt was unbuttoned, hanging open. His hair was ragged and wild, his beard needed a trimming. Despite this disheveled appearance, his handsome demeanor shone through, as usual. Lupin shook his head.

"What are you shaking your head at now, eh Moony?" Sirius asked, yanking a chair out from the table and plopping carelessly down onto it. "Contemplating life again?"

"So what if I am?" Lupin retorted, hostile. "You won't, so why don't I?"

Sirius turned a cold glare on Lupin. He licked his dry lips. Lupin regretted his words immediately. He didn't even mean them; he merely spoke out of an anger which was unrelated to Sirius.

"Yeah, I just love being stuck in this _fucking_ house all day," Sirius sneered. "Love doing _nothing_ while everyone else chases Voldemort! Love having nightmares about burying my Godson, just like I buried my best friend."

"I'm sorry," Lupin said, looking his friend in the eye. "I didn't mean that."

"Yeah, damn well you didn't," Sirius said. "I know you've got issues, Moony. Hell, you always did, but don't take them out on me."

Lupin opened his mouth to reply, but thought better of it. It was unlike him to snap at Sirius. He had always prided himself as being the most patient person in the universe when it came to Sirius. Yet lately, a void began to fill him – blackness was taking over his consciousness, clouding his common sense. He was either feeling sorry for himself, cursing himself, or wishing he had the bravery to take something which he couldn't have.

"What's going on, Remus?"

Sirius's voice was softer, calmer and kinder than it had been in quite a while. Lupin took this question as a theoretical question. If something was bothering Lupin, Sirius was always first to figure out what the problem was. Sometimes Lupin really hated how well his friend knew him. He never broached this subject with Sirius – he was afraid of betraying too much, of admitting too much.

"I'm fine, Sirius."

"Like hell you are," Sirius said. He punched the tabletop suddenly, and Lupin jumped slightly. "It's about Tonks, isn't it?"

"I have no problem with Tonks," Lupin began. His voice trembled slightly, and he absolutely loathed himself for such an obviousness display of candor.

"Sure, no problem at all," Sirius said seriously. "Expect you are flaming in love with her, and want to shag her senseless."

Lupin cast his eyes to the ceiling. He held his gaze upon the many lit candles hanging above his head. He sighed. "Kindly keep your voice down," he said, looking at Sirius and glaring a little. "You know these walls have ears – literally."

"Oh right, sorry," Sirius said, a small smile finally gracing his lips. "I see you didn't deny it though."

"Do I need to?" Lupin asked.

"Not if it's true," Sirius winked. Lupin himself smiled in spite of himself. Sirius had that annoying habit of making him laugh at his most miserable moments.

"Well, it is true," Lupin admitted, somber again. "But it's wrong, and terribly unwise to think it at all. I can't be with her, and even if my obvious problems didn't exist, I wouldn't deserve her, not in a million years. I know that, I accept it."

"Anyone ever tell you you're a bit of a drama queen, Moony?"

Lupin stared at Sirius. "Glad you find this funny."

"No, not funny," Sirius said with no trace of a smile anymore. "It's a damn shame you are such an idiot. Don't really see why you can't be happy. Gods, this world is so full of shit right now, thought you'd cherish a chance at happiness. Not everyone is lucky enough to be offered the opportunity."

"I can't, Sirius," said Lupin, "Even if I wanted to – I'm too old, I'm dirt poor, and besides I'm so dangerous. What if I hurt her, what if I killed her? I'm scared to death of doing something I cannot control. She invades me mind…" Lupin put his hands on his eyes and rubbed them, "she invades my dreams every night. Sirius, I see her, I see her so clearly, and I see myself hurting her. She'll hate me. In my dreams, I see a happiness entwined in a horror."

"Yeah, there is that whole werewolf thing," Sirius nodded thoughtfully. Lupin didn't bother replying. He knew Sirius wasn't trying to make light of the situation.

"Yeah, the whole werewolf thing," Lupin said. He laughed bitterly. "The whole werewolf thing will haunt me the rest of my life."

"I see," Sirius said, stroking his beard. "And you really think Tonks can't handle herself? You reckon she's just a stupid young girl?"

"Well, she is young," Lupin said, "But not stupid. She just… she just doesn't know how she really feels."

"I see," Sirius said. "And you know how you really feel?"

"I feel something… but I have no right to feel that."

"While you were wallowing in hate for yourself," Sirius began with a roll of his eyes, "Tonks didn't come to dinner. With both of us missing, it was about as obvious as can be. Really, Tonks, miss a meal?"

"It's better she get it out of her system and get over it," Lupin said coldly. "I would rather she cry a thousand nights than live a dangerous, terrible life with me the rest of her life."

"Right, cheers," Sirius said. "You're right, she would be unhappy with you. You're not willing to face up to the real risks in life."

"That's not fair, Sirius—" Lupin started, injured.

"Maybe you ought to go up and talk to her," Sirius said. "She's a damn smart witch, brilliant in fact. At least you could be on talking terms with her. It's no good to go on avoiding her all the time. You live in the same house, for Merlin's sake!"

"Right, of course," Lupin said. "I don't mean to avoid her any longer, you are right. I will talk to her and be pleasant. Not tonight, she's probably asleep."

"Maybe so," Sirius said, sitting back, looking satisfied. "But you never know – she's quite pensive, that Tonks. Maybe she's also mopping around, contemplating life or some such dramatic bull."

"Perhaps."

"Right, well, I'm off to bed. Must get my beauty sleep, you know. Glad we had this little chat."

"Is that what you call it?"

"Indeed, Moony. G'night."

"Yes, night."

Sirius padded away and Lupin sat a moment, thinking over what Sirius said. He could not accept responsibility for possibly destroying Tonks' life. He fully intended to continue talking to Tonks. In fact, he intended to completely ignore their tiff that afternoon. He would ignore any shows of emotion and just live on and on. Eventually, she would forget him and move on to better, more worthy candidates.

He flicked his wand at the candles wordlessly, and they all went out at simultaneously. He slowly ascended the stairs, trying to step where he knew the wood wouldn't creak loudly. When he'd reached the top of the stairs, he lingered. His eyes found their way to Tonks' door. There was a dim light shining from under her door. He began to creep down the hall towards his little room. He put his hand on his doorknob but didn't turn it.

"Bugger," Lupin muttered softly. He spun around and crept back down the hall and stood in front of Tonks' room. His heart pounded terribly fast and painful. He hated to think she was angry with him, but he didn't blame her. He had declared he didn't love her only that afternoon. The last thing she wanted was to see his face. But something burned inside him, a desire to talk it through with her, to have her see his reasoning, and to – God forbid – agree. Why must this stand between a civil friendship?

His mouth was unreasonably dry all of a sudden. He cleared his throat with an inaudible grunt. He knocked softly on her door and waited. It seemed the longest wait of his life.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

A/N: Sorry for the typos in the second chapter. I tried like the dickens to change 'em but the new file wouldn't update. Please, review!

Disclaimer: Do I own Harry Potter? Venture a guess.

~*~*~

He knocked, and waited. There was no answer. He wasn't really surprised. He waited another moment, his mind spinning. He immediately regretted his ridiculous decision to talk to her at midnight. What would he say? _I love you Tonks, but I am afraid of killing you mistakenly._

"Blast it, what am I doing?" Lupin asked himself aloud. He turned quietly to retreat to his room and try to forget this. Before he had gotten more than a few steps, he heard the door creak open.

"Who's that?" Tonks called quietly. "Remus, is that you out there?"

Of course, he was stuck now. What did he expect, he had just knocked on her god damn door. You can't go doing _action_ without _consequence._

"Well, yes, it's me," Lupin began carefully. "But I shouldn't have disturbed you so late…"

"You already disturbed me," Tonks said, annoyed. "Why don't you come in and say whatever nonsense you came to spew."

She retreated into her room, leaving him a little hurt outside in the hallway. He deserved it, and he knew it. He wished there was a way he could rectify the situation. He was determined to put things right with Tonks, even if it meant pleading his case all night.

He stood in the doorway, peering in, cautiously. He had never been inside of Tonks' room, and was beginning to very much hate himself for his foolishness, and for listening to Sirius's risky advice.

"Well, don't stand there like a loon," Tonks snapped. She was sitting on the edge of a messily made bed. Clothes littered the floor, and books and papers covered her desk and nightstand. A few pictures of family members lined the walls, their inhabitants also glaring at Lupin, disapprovingly. A lamp was burning in the corner of the room. Its light cast an eerie glow on the room. It was just barely bright enough to see. How could she function like this? Lupin inched into the room, tripping over an empty trunk. He shoved the truck aside with his foot. He stood before her, wringing his hands nervously. How unlike him, to be wallowing in fear and apprehension.

"Well?" Tonks asked at last.

"Firstly, I'm sorry I hurt you, Tonks," he said. He meant it, but he knew how insignificant and lame it sounded. The last thing he wanted was to see her upset, but he couldn't relent his position. He was close enough to see her face in the dim light. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying and her robes were slightly hunched up and crooked.

"Oh, wotcher, Remus!" Tonks said sarcastically, her face contorting into a fake grin. "It's jolly good of you to apologize! Why not rub some salt in my otherwise unnecessary wound while you're at it? Here, want to slap my wrists for being a bad girl?"

He sighed. This wouldn't be easy, of course. He knew his rationing skills were impeccable, and he was sure he would come out the wiser, but she wouldn't make it easy for him. He knew her, and didn't expect her to easily relent.

"No need to be sarcastic, Nymphadora," Lupin said holding her gaze steadily. "I've just come to…well, to…" he trailed off a little. Tonks was looking so intently into his eyes, he felt his strength wavering a little bit. The door across the room seemed so far away, his object of emergency escape so impossibly reached.

"To what?" Tonks said. She shoved a book off her bed. It fell to the floor with a _thud_. "Come to argue with me? I don't accept a damn thing you say, Remus. You might as well accept that and _get over it_."

Lupin felt himself getting angry. "No, Tonks, you might as well accept what _I_ say. As I've explained several times, you are ten years too young for me, you are too good for me as well, too smart, too talented, your future too bright and promising for some old guy to come and ruin it…and besides you are too…"

"Right," Tonks said, frantically waving her arms. "Right, Remus! Please! Please, tell me what else I am! What is it that makes you and me so blazing different?"

"You are also too stubborn, too impatient, too hasty, too intolerant," Lupin's words were rushed, as if by speaking faster, he would believe himself a little more. He frowned disapprovingly at her.

"Oh, lovely," Tonks grabbed another book and stood quickly and faced Lupin. For a moment, he was sure she would whack him in the head with the dusty volume. "Lovely, Remus! I am totally unsuitable! I see. You wouldn't have me, I'm just too intolerant!"

"Tonks, you know this isn't about you, it's about me," Lupin reasoned.

"No, Remus, you are dead wrong about that! This is about _me and you_, both of us!" Tonks' voice was rising steadily. Lupin cringed. He hoped no one outside the room could hear her. "For once in your life, forget your fucking problems and live your life!"

"No, Tonks, it's not about me living my life! I have no life to live!" Lupin's voice had become cold and angry, but it was touched with sadness as well. "My life ended when I was bitten all those years ago. I will not be the reason for any more pain. Merlin Tonks, you are a beautiful woman, with a wonderful future. You could have any man, any blasted man in the world, so why do you insist on an impossible feat?"

"Yes, what a bright future I have," Tonks said, sarcastically, waving her arm and gesturing around her, "Our world is going to hell in a hand basket! Look around you, Remus! People are dying every day! Maybe I will die tomorrow!"

"If you died tomorrow, at least it wouldn't be at my hands," Lupin said, much quietly.

Tonks stared at him deadpan. She shook her hand, tears welling in her eyes. "Just because you are a bit dangerous _once in awhile_…reckon my Auror training was for nothing? I can take care of myself. I've been doing it my whole life."

He sighed heavily. "I just want us to be friends, Tonks."

She threw the book onto the floor as hard as she could. The effect of this had its desired outcome: Lupin was taken aback. He raised an eyebrow at her. She dared to step a little closer to him, though she was still as angry as ever.

"I am completely in love with you," she said. She was not admitting anything new or unheard, but Lupin's heart skipped a beat. His body was warm all over, and he struggled to continue breathing in an even, calm manner. He would not allow her to possess some kind of strange, magical hold over him. He had to stay in control, and he indeed began checking his emotions as he always did.

"I already told you, I am not in love with you," Lupin said coldly.

"Liar."

"If you please," Lupin said, his temperature rising quickly, both from anger and her nearness to him. "Do not call me a liar."

"That's what you are," Tonks said, and her voice began to drop its volume. She looked very sad. "You are lying to yourself Remus, you have been for quite some time, maybe concerning many things – and I see right through it, you know."

"I – no," was all he could manage. She was inching dangerously close. Heat was searing him in all the most uncomfortable places. She was practically pressed against him now, and he was searching to look anywhere but her beautiful face. He wanted desperately to step away, but he was completely immobile, frozen to his spot as if some ghastly charm was upon him.

"I think you do love me," Tonks said, her voice almost dropping to a whisper. "I think you want me. What's more, I think you need me as much as I need you."

"Tonks, please…"

"No, let me finish, thank you," Tonks hushed him with a hand wave. "I want you too Remus, how much plainer must I be? I want you in every way possible. I want to see you every day of my life, I want to grow old with you, I want to die in your arms, I want to wake up next to you every morning, and I want to make love to you every night."

He stared at her breathlessly. She reached up to his hand and touched his head gently.

"Tonks, no," he said. He bent his head to one side slightly to feel her hand on his face. He barely knew what he was doing. "I'm sorry Tonks, but no… I'm begging you to see reason..."

"What are you really begging for?" she whispered.

"I'm begging you not to make this harder than it needs to be…"

"Remus, _please_, stop denying this, I know you feel the exact same way I do, and I don't care if you are a werewolf, how many times should I say that? Bollocks, are you deaf? I couldn't be more attracted to you and your—"

Something in him seemed to have snapped. He never before experienced this feeling of helplessness and urgency. His mind was positively whirling, and he was dizzy and intoxicated by her scent. He stared at her lips at last, imagining himself kissing her – at least allowing himself one little ounce of pleasure. She was so close to him now, and she crept closer and closer, seeing how close she could get before he pushed her away.

She leaned up to his face and kissed him. They had never shared a kiss, never had this level of intimacy. On occasion, they had exchanged touches, ever so brief, ever so gentle, always unsatisfying. Her kiss was questioning and afraid, evidently terrified that he would push her violently away from his heart. But that immobile part of him stayed immobile, and he didn't push her away, just lived in the moment of her kiss.

She took this as encouragement, and kissed him a little hard, a little more desperately, and with much more passion. He found movement, and wrapped his arms around her slender shoulder, closing any small gap of space between them. His eyes were closed – he dare not look at her for fear of losing the last bit of self-restraint her had. Perhaps he had already lost it?

He felt as though an enormous dam of emotions had broken and were now rushing dangerously forth, ready to swallow him up unless he ran like hell for cover. He could barely breath, barely function … he thought he was so controlled, but that animalistic side of him was scratching its way to the surface and threatening to break free.

Tonks allowed her hands to wonder to his head. She ran her fingers through his hair. She wanted to savor every blessed second of this moment – a dread deep within her feared it would soon end. She wrapped a foot around his leg. Standing on her toes, she held him desperately to her. She was terrified he would pull away at any moment and end this strange, unbelievable dream. She only kissed him harder, and he in return seemed to be channeling some long-held desire into his kisses.

"Remus," she breathed in the flash of a second of a breath he allowed her. He was lost in this wonderful enchantment – the intellectual part of his mind was screaming at him to release her, to move away, to leave and not look back, but the stronger desirous part of him was pulling her closer to him, holding her tighter.

He kisses seemed to have broken from her mouth and were now bestowing themselves on her neck. He barely knew what he was doing. He wanted to stop, he needed to stop…

"Tonks," he said. His voice was coarse, so unlike his usual soft, mature voice.

"Remus," she replied. She closed her eyes for a moment. Overcome, she pulled him down onto her on her bed. She reached her arms above her head. One of his hands moved to pin down her two hands. His other hand was daring to wonder over her. This animal in him was getting stronger.

"We…really shouldn't," he started, between kisses. "We… really can't. Tonks…"

"Yes we can," she said, wrapping her legs around his waist, as if to prevent his possible escape. "Remus, I really… I really need…"

"You have no idea," he whispered in a hard, painful whisper. "You really… really don't understand me…you can't understand this thing I am…"

"Let me understand then," she said soothingly. She wiggled her hands free of his grasp and somewhat timidly tugged at the front of his robes.

He stared at her, but he had a startled expression on his face. He cupped her face in his hands, and kissed her, more passionately than he had yet done that night. He knew this had to end, just like any dream ended.

"I care for you," he admitted, panting a little. "And so I won't be the one who hurts you."

He untangled himself from her and stood up. He left the room without looking back.

Tonks stared at the empty space where he had been moments before. A tear slipped down her cheek. She wished he would come back to kiss it away. She knew he wouldn't.


End file.
